2/24/2015 By: Amanda Mott At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, Are you also going to leave? Simon Peter replied, Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God. -John 6:66-69 The definition of desperate: Done with all of your strength or energy and with little hope of succeeding. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/desperate, Merriam-Webster, © 2015 Merriam-Webster, Incorporated). Failure.Sitting in the office of my pastor I felt that old familiar feeling wash over me...I had failed. I had missed the mark. Leaving his office I felt so confused. I was convinced I knew what God had asked me to do but now it seemed clear that I had missed it, that I couldnt have heard from God. Despite this, one thing kept haunting me, had I failed? Had I missed the mark? I didnt know what to think. Feeling like a failure was not a new experience. For as long as I can remember I never really fit. I didnt fit in school, with my peers, at jobs, or in church. A big reason I started attending church was from a desire to fit somewhere. I was told that God had a place for everyone. I believed that even though I didnt fit in the world I would find a place to fit in the church. I believed that God would make a place. From the moment I entered the church I tried to fit. It quickly became apparent to me that the church had lots of ways for people to fit. I convinced myself that if tried hard enough, if I conformed myself, then I would fit somewhere in the church. Over time it became very apparent that no matter how hard I tried I would fail. I would fail time and time again to fit myself into this image I had of a, Christian. Despite this I did grow. I grew not because I tried to fit into church but despite of it. I grew in faith because God loved me and began to change my heart. Years and years of pursuing God began. Then years later I found myself there, sitting in the office of my pastor, again realizing that I didnt fit, and feeling like I had failed. In truth I had failed, I failed in conforming myself into the perfect Christian that existed in my head. The Christian who always said and did what others expected of them, who never missed a Bible study, who served the world without complaining, who loved and brought others to Jesus with ease, and had perfect control over all emotions. I would like to call this person, the Stepford Christian. To be fair, I dont believe that my pastor expected this of me, I dont think anyone ever expected this of me. I expected it of myself. I was convinced that if I just achieved this mythical ideal then I would fit. That all these pieces of my personality would fall into alignment. I never stopped to realize that God never asked me to fit at least not how I thought. All God ever wanted was me. God never wanted perfection. God never wanted me to live up to the ideal. All God wanted was all the parts of me that didnt quite fit. All the pieces of me that had been rejected. All He wanted was my obedience to Him. The reality of this is that not everyone will understand. Not everyone will get why I step out from the pews and seek to do and be ALL that God asks. That day in my pastors office, he put a word to that thing in me that never quite fit. There were many before him in my life who had reacted to it, but no one had ever called it out by name before. He called it desperate. Leaving his office I thought I had failed. I lay in bed that night feeling confused. I was desperate? What had gone wrong? Then God spoke, Your pastor is right, He said, You are desperate, just not how he can see or understand. You are desperate to follow Me. You are desperate not to accept the status quo but to seek the most of Me for yourself and those around you. You are desperate to reach people for Me. You are desperate to be real and have real relationships. I am seeking the heart of the desperate. Those who realized that there is NO hope, except in the cross. This is when I saw it, and I realized that I would never fit, because God has created me with a desperate heart. A heart that will always seek to love God and follow Him first in a way that doesnt make sense to everyone and that is okay. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with those who dont understand. Being desperate isnt something everyone can relate too. Being desperate doesnt mean that I act desperately and that I dont come under alignment to the Word of God or to Godly counsel. All it means is that I have used my strength to pursue all paths in this world and realize that there is no hope outside of Jesus. Like a toddler who wants a cup of milk and will persist in their request until the milk is obtained. It is a simple understanding of what Peter says above, that if I were to leave Jesus where else would I go? This was the birth of Desperate Ministries. A place where believers can come and simply be. There are no expectations of who you should be in Christ. There are no Stepford Christians (Although I am pretty sure they only exist in our minds). All you will find here are people desperate to serve God. People who have tried all avenues of life only to exhaust all energy and realize that the only way is through Jesus and His word. I hope that God uses this place to bless you today and bring you closer to Him. Welcome!